WWL TV Topic
August 25, 2008

Raising Assertive Teens

Assertiveness is a kind of confidence that helps us clearly say what we need, want and how we feel without hurting anyone else. It is the opposite of aggression, which often hurts people and doesn’t respect the rights of others. As parents, we want our kids to be more assertive for many reasons: they will feel more confident, have higher self esteem, and value themselves and others. As they develop into adults, we also need for them to be able to stand up for what they believe in. Here are some ways to raise kids to be more assertive:

• Model assertive behavior in the home.  Parents should be aware that they are
  the single-largest influence on their children, even in the early teens. Talk to them about the differences between standing up for yourself with integrity, or being a bully with siblings, friends or spouse. Being passive can be very harmful in some situations. Parents, be careful about what you model – if you are a manipulator and a game player, your child will learn that too. Encourage your children to assert themselves around you. If they’re afraid of you or nervous around you, then YOU have to change.

• Encourage your teen’s questions and curiosity.  If you want your teen to stand up for her “rights” or “opinions”, give her a forum at home to do so. Encourage his questions. People are innately curious. Answer the questions that your kids ask you. Take them seriously and one question will lead to another. If you don’t know the answer, look it up together, and teach him how to find the answers. This inspires confidence and a belief in oneself.

• Assure your teen that you will back him up. If your teen believes that you will support her in an uncomfortable situation, she will be more confident about asserting ideas, or talking to you about a serious problem. If a person of authority, or teacher, is harassing your daughter’s friend, you might be able to help with problem solving this situation, which will include some assertive skills. Kids should be taught to be assertive with authority figures – not passive and not aggressive. This requires self-respect, self-confidence, and respect for others.

• Admit when you overreact.  Let’s say your teen sees you yell at someone who cuts you off in traffic. You are being assertive – but not necessarily positive in your assertions!

- Fern Halford, LCSW

For more information call The Parenting Center at Children’s Hospital, (504) 896-9591.