NURTURING MORAL BEHAVIOR - CHARACTER COUNTS

What kind of person will my child become? What kind of person do I want my child to be?

These are questions that all parents ponder. Each of us would come up with a slightly different "ideal adult", but most can agree that we would like to raise a moral child - one who respects and cares for others; one who wants to treat others well; one who will choose to do good (even when one could get away with it) and one who is kind, fair and responsible.

In the book Bringing Up a Moral Child, Michael Schielaman and Eva Melder propose this definition of a moral child and discuss three foundation stones to moral development:

1. Internalizing parental standards of right and wrong action

2. Developing empathic reactions to other people's feelings

3. Developing personal standards of kindness and justice.

By understanding and examining these constructs, parents can explore their roles in the shaping of moral development in their children. A child's motivation to internalize his or her parents standards of right and wrong comes from the two-way street of love between parents and child. The seeds of moral behavior sprout in infancy with the building of love and trust relationships and continue to grow in the toddler and preschool years with the developing awareness of the self and beginning internalization of self-control. When parents are clear about rules, connect them to consistent follow-through, set appropriate consequences and give genuine encouragement, children will learn more desirable behaviors. Children are internalizing our standards of right and wrong. The strongest influence on this process of becoming a moral person is parental modeling; what we do in a moral context, how we act and, to some extent, what we say are major messages of learning values for children. It is important for parents to understand the force of modeling which continues to have significant impact through the school years.

The beginnings of empathic expressions are perceptible in the early years, and it's up to parents to encourage these empathic reactions to others. Parents provide guidance in understanding feelings - one's own and the feelings of others. Empathic skills need nurturing by parents, teachers and other adults in a child's life. Opportunities for consideration and compassion are part of daily life.

As children internalize parental values, they are also beginning to build a moral system influenced by their own standards. These personal standards come from the mix of internalized values and personal experience. Adolescence is a time of questioning and sometimes a reshaping of those moral values. Adolescents may "try on" values that are contrary to parental standards of morality which causes frustration and confusion for their parents. It is reassuring that most of the time young adults express moral values similar to their parents. Moral conscience is not static once we reach adulthood. We continue to be challenged to reflect on our values as we cope with life experiences. As parents we continue to grow and develop our own moral sense of things.